SPEAKING OUT AGAINST EMOTIONAL ABUSE

I found it hard to start this post, with it being a very personal/sensitive thing to write about and also a pretty awkward thing to accuse someone of. Let's be honest, no one appreciates those people who whine on and on about relationship problems constantly, but this is something that has taken me 2 years to not only get the balls to speak out about but to also actually realise what was going on. 

Obviously there's always going to be people who will judge, honestly I don't care, I spent the last 2 years being judged. I'm writing this because it's about something that is more common than we all think and something that needs to be spoken about more. 

To people who may be quick to comment or pass judgement, or people who think it "isn't a big deal" ... it is a big deal. Just because someone doesn't physically harm you doesn't mean it isn't abuse. It is abuse. Until you've been in a situation where everything is controlled and manipulated to the point of exhaustion then you can't comment on what it's like.

There is also those people reading this who will have been through/currently experiencing the same thing. This is why I am writing this post. I'm not looking for sympathy, I don't want nor need it because I'm the happiest and most confident I've ever been and back to the person I was previously; but I do however want to raise awareness and if even just one person reading this post recognises some similarities in a relationship they may be in themselves and it helps them, then this post has been a success!

I can't speak on behalf of the other person involved, I don't know whether he realises what he is doing or if he's just a common sociopath, I don't know. He probably blames me. I do know however that he's treat other girls the exact same he treat me, I've even been contacted by one because of a previous post and I know this sort of thing goes on a lot in relationships.. 


The list below is some of the things I experienced. I could have wrote a generic list but I think they're hard to relate to and easy to shrug off, they can be hard to match to actual scenarios etc.

I don't have an exact chronological order because you don't realise it's happening, otherwise ... yes, you would just leave. The sad thing is that this is the power of emotional abuse, it's just something that happens over time because you're blinded by what you believe to be love.

• Any argument or disagreement resulted in being called ugly, a slag, fat, disgusting, embarrassing, vile, heartless, pathetic, lazy, a freak, a prostitute, worthless, stupid, liar, a child. Always hounded with swearing, threats, sly digs, accusations, picking out your flaws or things I'd told him in confidence and using them against me, told I make him feel sick, that he wouldn't care if I died, that he faked the whole relationship, that he was gunna go out that night and bring someone home or make me regret it, that he'd never love me and that he's never hated anyone as much as me in his life - anything cruel - he's said. We argued daily, sometimes several times. I found myself walking on egg shells to avoid causing an argument and then would find myself grovelling or making up white lies to try save the situation.

• He'd check my phone in my presence and behind my back. Even after we had broke up. He'd do things such as pretend to be me and text people from my phone in an attempt to catch me out with boys.

• Snide, belittling remarks in general conversation. "Why couldn't you be like that?" "You wouldn't understand" sort of thing,  constant comparison to other girls on purpose in attempt to get a reaction, embarrass me in front of friends and he spoke badly of me to his friends and family all the time.

• Bringing up things from the past to put me in my place or humiliate me even if they were things that hadn't even happened. Constantly jumping to conclusions and he'd never believe anything I said, he spoke to me like I wasn't even a person. 

• Threaten to tell friends and family "what I was really like", or he'd purposely cause arguments between me and friends so we'd fall out. He would isolate me from friends and I'd end up having to priortise him over them.

• He'd make me think and feel like I was a psychotic, conniving, manipulative bitch for asking a simple question in a civil manor but he would unjustifiably kick off. One rule for him, another for me.

• I was kept a secret, to "stop people interfering." But I wasn't allowed to talk to boys, even male friends, he would message ex boyfriends or approach them, even just random people who might have liked my photos on facebook or something, he'd warn them off me. Yet we were never "official."

• I'd have to prove where I was or who I was with by snapchatting, even when we'd broken up (which happened about once a week.) Every time I went out or spent time with friends to cheer myself up after a break up I was guarantied to have multiple abusive messages. 

• He would set traps to "catch me out". He'd tell me he wasn't out when I was then turn up at the same club I was in and watch to see if I was 'behaving.' He'd get people to spy on me or lie about his friends 'spotting me' cheating on him when I'd have done no such thing. 

• He'd scheme a lot to A) help him get away with things or B) to find out things about me. 

• If my phone died - I must be with another boy and I'd turned it off on purpose. If I didn't reply to a message straight away or answer the phone - I must be cheating. I'd be sent messages upon messages, receive phone call after phone call of abuse calling me every name under the sun, jumping to every conclusion possible without any radical explanation, broken up with over and over again.   

• I was told I wasn't capable of loving someone and no one would love me. After arguments when I tried to tell him how strongly I felt for him he told me that I "didn't have feelings" and that I was just being manipulative. 

• I was never complimented or encouraged - I was always put down. We never done any 'couple' things, taken out anywhere, surprised, etc ... this was "fake" and "superficial", to an extent I can see his point but I never wanted money, I just wanted to feel like he gave a shit about me, a small gesture that cost nothing would have sufficed. 

• I'd get called names, sworn at, accused, and so on, for simple things such as spending time with friends or family. If he wasn't blatantly causing an argument, little sly digs to put me in a bad mood or doubt myself and my actions would be made, for a simple thing such as going on a night out with friends or going home for the weekend and spending quality time with my family.

• He'd take unflattering photos and videos of me, keep them, and use them against me in arguments to embarrass or ridicule me.

• He was aggressive. If we argued he'd always shout and scream to the point I wasn't able to get a word in and it would sometimes be in public places. He was in fights a lot, in trouble with the police a lot. Violent. If he didn't actually hit someone, he'd use physical violence to throw things, smash things, break doors, sometimes he'd seriously injure himself in the process. There was a few occasions where he done things that mimicked violence or suggested he intended to hurt me/others physically.

• He'd make up lies about what other people had said about me and tell me.

• His body language and small things such as facial expressions often were demeaning towards me and others. 

• He would never apologise, was focused massively on himself, lacked empathy or sympathy, hugely hypocritical, a swollen ego, lacked respect, nothing anyone could do would ever please him, had a list as long as his arm of what he expected from me and others yet he could do the complete opposite, and cared more about his phone and what people thought of him on social media than anyone else. 

• I have reason to believe he stole money from my own purse and if he owed me money and we argued he would refuse to return it.

• He was a serial cheat and he could lie to my face over and over again. I've recently just found out he was seeing me and another one of his exes at the same time for 6 months - so it goes without saying that he is also a compulsive, pathological liar. He was VERY convincing when he lied, to the point you almost felt stupid for ever questioning him. 

This is just a small insight in to what it was like. I'm almost certain the majority of his exes will have been treat the same. It went on for two years and it changes you as a person. Constant mind games and emotional torture. It was hell, basically!

For too long I was under the impression everything was my fault, I deserved it, I believed I was a horrible person and I spent months trying to actually prove myself to someone when really, the only thing I proved was that it was an impossible task. I'm no doctor but you could die trying trying to please someone who's, certain aspects of their personality, demonstrate that of narcissism and (the correct term) "antisocial personality disorder", because psychopathy and sociopathy are not professionally recognised labels for diagnosis.

It sounds extreme but the whole "relationship" was extreme.

If you have read this far, then thank you for your time. 
I know there is two sides to every story and by no means am I claiming to be an angel because I'm not. This behavior however wasn't normal. As time has passed and I've slowly gotten over it all, I realised that this isn't a new discovery, I've known all along. I knew how he treated me wasn't right, I knew the relationship was toxic, I even knew he was cheating and lying, I knew it all. But I was too scared to admit it, to myself, to my friends and family, to him, to anyone. I've only recently been honest with people and actually spoke about it truthfully for the first time and it actually feels good.

He was 5 years older than me. I was only 18 when I met him. I felt embarrassed of the way I handled it, how he somehow managed to whittle me down to a whimpering, pathetic, mess. I was probably depressed and should have spoken to someone about it but I didn't. It doesn't matter whether you're 19 or 45 - the effects of emotional abuse are really severe. Anyone can fall victim to it. It doesn't matter how strong willed you are or how well you think you know yourself. It's nothing to be embarrassed about and it isn't your fault.

I felt like I lost my entire sense of self, found myself crying every night, and I used to be the most out going, happy go lucky person around. A person who really cared for you, wouldn't make you feel like that. 

It's took me this long to feel okay again, and because of what he put me through my university work suffered, relationships with friends and family suffered, I turned in to a crazy person pretty much ... blah blah blah ... so to save yourself the grief, if any of the things I list above sound familiar then please do the right thing and be kind to yourself and get out of the relationship. It isn't you. It's them. We've all had our fair share of stereotypical bad boys/girls, been cheated on, lied to, and yes it's sad but it isn't the same. Don't make the mistake I made and get the two completely different things mixed up. Some behavior goes beyond just being the average dickhead - it's abuse and you shouldn't have to take it. Boy or girl.